Now this didn't stop me from watching the game (with a little help from a very generous Bills fan in South Carolina) and writing the diary anyway. The only thing you need to know about the place I watched the game is there's a chat room along the side for those watching. With that, here you go ...
First Quarter
15:00
We have the unbelievable good fortune of having Gus Johnson calling the game. Regardless of the outcome, I consider my day made.
A quick shot to the sideline shows Chan Gailey (the Bills head coach, for those non-fans out there) without his standard reading glasses. The reason, suggests one of the people in the chat room, is because he "doesn't want to see our D." Ah, the eternal optimism of Bills fans.
14:25
Gus Johnson tells us that the linebacking corp is "much improved" from earlier in the year. Translation: they went from offensively terrible to just bad.
13:03
As if to illustrate this point, Carson Palmer, who at this point has the mobility of a hippo carrying a grand piano, runs for 10 yards without being touched.
12:01
The phrases "big hit" and "Chris Kelsay" are used in the same sentence for the first time in his eight year career. Gus isn't even being sarcastic! Clearly, he's earned that $24 million extension.
8:07; 7-0 Bengals
Bengals score easily on a toss to Ochocinco who finds a Mexican flag inexplicably draped over the back wall and pats it as Gus Johnson yells out "Estaban!" I'm confused.
8:00; 7-0 Bengals
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| Who could stay mad at those pythons? |
Never mind, there was a block in the back. I would have a hard time taking this news if it wasn't being delivered by Ed Hochuli. He gets a great deal of grief these days but I can't stay mad at someone who has such carefully sculpted guns.
7:30; 7-0 Bengals
Gus Johnson tells us that Ryan Fitzpatrick is making his eagerly anticipated return to Cincinnati. I find that funny because just about any Bengals fan you talk to thinks Fitzy isn't worth a six-pack of Natty Ice.
7:15; 7-0 Bengals
In an effort to prove their point, Fitzy throws a terrible pick.
Fortunately, Demetrius Bell, an illegitimate son of Karl Malone (I never tire of that fact), got absolutely smoked on the play. Why fortunate? Well, he let a Bengals through who was stupid enough to slap Fitzy in the head after the pass drawing an automatic roughing the passer.
6:28; 7-0 Bengals
Given a second chance, the line immediately gives up a sack. On the replay we see four linemen standing at the line of scrimmage looking back as three Bengals slam Fitzy to the ground. Ladies and gentleman your 2010 Buffalo Bills!
5:12; 7-0 Bengals
As the offense sputters along, Freddie Jackson finally breaks a 12 yard run. Oh, never mind, holding on our right tackle, a free agent rookie who's filling in for our injured starter, a free agent rookie. That's alright though, it's not like you need a good offensive line to succeed in the NFL.
4:02; 7-0 Bengals
Fitzy connects with Stevie Johnson for a nice 36 yard slant and run. Gus shifts into third gear for the first time. No matter how many times you hear him, the first time he gets into the upper gears, it's always a treat.
3:32; 7-0 Bengals
Freddie busts out another solid run and Steve Tasker tells us: "Fred Jackson is like watching someone pour a glass of water." ... Um, what?
2:45; 7-0 Bengals
In what I'm calling the most hysterical example of statistics being misleading, we learn that the Bills are the most efficient red zone offense in the league. Of course, we get there less than anyone in the league, but boy those times that we do ... !
2:04; 7-7
Freddie trots into the end zone. He was almost tackled by our tight end but otherwise he was completely untouched. I'm beginning to think that there won't be a defensive stop in this whole game.
0:50; 7-7
Gus tosses it to "Jumpin' Jimmy Brown" for our first game break. A startled Brown gets through the update and then tosses it back to "Mr. Excitable." I normally hate that kind of stuff but that was a delightful exchange.
0:27; 7-7
A familiar site as Leodis McKelvin gets smoked down the sideline. Unfortunately, this went to T.O. who has decided to actually try this season; probably just to upset me personally.
Second Quarter
15:00; 7-7
The chat has spent the entire break between quarters talking about how hot the women on the commercials were. Needless to say, Bills fans don't exactly have a vested interest in the season.
14:10; 14-7 Bengals
Carson throws a dime to TO for a TD. This launches a discussion in the chat room about TO. 99% of the room feels that he's extremely talented but no team he plays on can win. One guy feels like he's the greatest football player of all time. He'd be shouted down if not for the fact that he's the one broadcasting the game.
14:05; 14-7 Bengals
Leodis McKelvin with another decent return. I just realized that CJ Spiller isn't playing in this game. That tells you how big an impact the #9 pick is having this season.
13:17; 14-7 Bengals
Fitzy throws another bad pick. This one sticks as Gus shifts into fourth. I have a hard time being too down with Gus going nuts. It's one of the reason I look forward to him calling games involving my teams.
10:59; 21-7 Bengals
Cedric Benson walks into the end zone from the 1 without being touched. Another solid defensive effort by the Bills.
10:17; 21-7 Bengals
Despite only being down two possessions, we've apparently decided to abandon the run. Went five receivers first two downs to start the drive.
10:10; 28-7 Bengals
Pick-six. Yeah, good decision throwing the ball. At this point, Fitzy has three completions and two INTs. Awesome.
Fantasy Side Note: At this exact moment I check my fantasy roster and see Maurice Jones-Drew has 16 yards rushing and threw an INT. What?! Why do the football gods hate me?
(Back to Present Tense for a Second: I seriously considered stopping the diary here and save it for the Depression Bowl versus the Browns. I decided to move on and I'm glad I did).
10:05; 28-7 Bengals
We follow up that outstanding possession by forming an illegal wedge on the kickoff. Well, at least we're trying, right?
9:30; 28-7 Bengals
Fitzy throws a bomb to Lee Evans for 54 yards. My first reaction? "Sweet, that 5.4 fantasy points!" Bills football, feel the excitement!
4:22; 28-7 Bengals
Normally reliable Rian Lindell continues his terrible year by missing a routine 32 yarder. This could be the saddest sub-plot of the year. Most people had pretty low expectations for the year but nobody foresaw Lindell's completely falling apart. Apart from Moorman, he's been our most reliable and beloved player for the last eight to nine years.
2:38; 28-7 Bengals
Let's check in for the first time with the Bills always cynical beat writer Sal Maiorana:
"Here's the thing - The Bengals blow. They are a dumb team, yet they're up 28-7. Further proof of how far away the Bills are from competence."
Cheerful as always, thanks Sal.
1:17; 28-14 Bengals
Bills score on a receiver screen to little used Donald Jones for the touchdown. Lindell follows this up by booting the kickoff out of bounds in the air. Now I've seen balls bounce out of bounds on a kickoff but I've NEVER seen one land on the sideline in NFL. Just unacceptable.
0:36; 28-14 Bengals
Carson connects with rookie Jordan Shipley for 37 yards. I'll tell you what, that kid is something and if Carson Palmer were still alive he would be hitting him on slants like the day is long (thank you, that joke is an homage to Bill Simmons).
0:15; 28-14 Bengals
Carson throws one of the worst fade routes I've ever seen but gets bailed out on an equally bad pass interference call. That ball was so high that TO didn't even try to catch it ... hm wait, that's not a really a give away with TO. Wait, I can do better. That ball was so far over TO's giant head that it almost reached the top of his ego. Swish!
0:05; 28-14 Bengals
We just stopped them up the middle with nine seconds left and it looks like they're going to go for it again. Dicks!
0:01; 31-14 Bengals
We stop them again but they inexplicably put more time on the clock. They couldn't score from the 1 against the Bills, for that reason alone I think they should have to give up the ball. Instead they kick the gimmie and head to the locker with the sizable lead. Several folks in the chat are calling it a day.
Third Quarter
14:12; 31-14 Bengals
Our only good offensive lineman, Eric Wood, is down with a leg injury, which is what ended his season last year. I can't wait to see what rookie free agent takes his place!
10:43; 31-21 Bengals
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| It's good to see someone bringing originality back to the end zone celebration. The Joker is in the house! |
9:45; 31-28 Bengals
My feed goes down at the worst possible time and I miss the fumble six. Apparently, Benson fumbled and Drayton Florence returned it to the house. Here's when I start getting nervous text messages from Bengals fans.
5:49; 31-28 Bengals
TO drops a pass that any high school receiver would make. THAT'S the TO we knew in Buffalo!
5:15; 31-28 Bengals
TO makes an unbelievable catch as Gus Johnson goes nuclear. Luckily, it was called back from holding. Nonetheless, I feel like he did that to shove it in Bills fans' faces that when he tries, he's good.
3:00; 31-28 Bengals
George Wilson makes a HUGE pick in the end zone as Carson Palmer looks like he's auditioning for an extra part on Walking Dead (Note to Self: refer to Carson as "Zombie Palmer" for the rest of the diary).
0:35; 31-28 Bengals
Freddie Jackson is lying on the sideline in pain. With Spiller out, we have absolutely no other running back on our team that would even make anyone else's practice squad. I find this ironic because not two months ago, we had three Pro Bowl caliber runners. Now we may have none.
Fourth Quarter
15:00; 31-28 Bengals
Someone I've never heard of gets the first down on 3rd and 1. Thankfully the Bengals D almost sucks as much as ours.
14:19; 31-28 Bengals
Freddie is back in. Bills fans everywhere breath a huge sigh of relief.
14:13; 35-31 Bills
Fitzy finds the Joker on an absolutely perfect pass in the corner of the end zone. Bills take the lead. Wow! Let's go to the Bills beat writer for analysis:
"If the Bengals lose, Marvin Lewis should be fired before he even addresses the media. I called Bills deplorable earlier - Bengals way worse."
Thanks Sal!
14:00; 35-31 Bills
Zombie Palmer throws a bomb to TO. Gus is nearing fifth gear when the pass falls harmlessly out of bounds.
13:11; 35-31 Bills
Zombie Palmer keeps looking at only TO and Shipley while Ochocinco is wide open on the other side of the field. Reminds me a lot of Trent Edwards completely ignoring Lee Evans the last two years.
13:05; 35-31 Bills
I get text messages from two different Bengals fans saying "only the Bengals could blow this." Really? You just sent that to a Bills fan? Do we need to put your bad losses next each other?
Look, the only thing we Bills fans have to hold on to is that we are the most tortured franchise in the NFL. We can respect the Browns and Vikings making claims but no one else is allow to say that to us.
11:36; 42-31 Bills
The Joker is inexplicable open in the back of the end zone for another TD. I've yet to mention that the Bengals have lost their two starting safeties and two corners (not sure where they stand on the depth chart). I really think that's why Fitzy looks like Jim Kelly all of a sudden (sure I could have gone with a better quarterback there to really drive home the point, but it's my blog and I wanted to use a Bill, what's it to you?).
An exciting Steve Tasker proclaims: "The Buffalo Bills are exploding all over the Bengals." Um ... eww.
Let's go back to Sal for some more analysis:
"The Bengals are a tire fire."
Thanks, Sal!
8:45; 42-31 Bills
The chat room has started getting cocky and my Bills Sense starts tingling. For those of you who don't know, the Bills Sense is what alerts seasoned Bills fans to impending doom. Some sure signs include the Bills making an improbable comeback and lesser Bills fans being cocky. This one's a double whammy.
7:01; 42-31 Bills
TO makes another timely drop. I'm so happy.
6:40; 42-31 Bills
TO makes another good catch. He really needs to stop toying with my emotions like that.
5:33; 42-31 Bills
Donte Whitner (who has received a lot of unfair criticism from Bills fans if you ask me) absolutely lights up Shipley and does so legally. All you folks calling this a "flag football" league, look at this hit and you'll see that changing technique doesn't eliminate big hits.
Incidentally, Zombie Palmer missed a wide-open Ochocinco once again.
5:28; 42-31 Bills
The Bengals opt to send their kicker, making his first NFL appearance, out to kick a 45 yard field goal. Granted, this is a field goal that any kicker in the NFL should make but down 11, I really think you have to go for it here.
Predictably, he misses.
2:50; 42-31 Bills
Brian Moorman makes his first appearance of the game. Personally, I pity those in the stadium. They only got to witness his greatness once. Granted, he kicked it into the end zone but it was a glorious kick nonetheless.
2:30; 42-31 Bills
Zombie Palmer is concerned he's going to miss his dinner reservations and throws a game-ending pick to speed things up.
1:52; 49-31 Bills
The Bills score our first Eff-You Touchdown (Trademark: Bill Simmons) in roughly 30 years as Freddie trots into the end zone on a routine off-tackle. The Bengals have clearly packed it in.
And that was it. The hammer never fell. I'm in shock. This is normally the type of game we make close, only to blow in the most dramatic way. It's nice being on this side of it once. But let's go to Sal one last time for some final analysis:
"We all would have enjoyed watching Andrew Luck in a Bills uniform for the next 15 years. Way to screw that up too Bills."
Oh that's right, we're not allowed to be happy ...
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