E-Dunc Defends Derek Jeter

I hate the Yankees.

More accurately, I hate what they're abuse of a broken system has done to baseball. Don't get me wrong, there isn't a season that goes by that I don't wish the Braves will spend like the Yankees and do whatever it takes to win a World Series, but that doesn't make it right. The Yankees have created a cash generating machine and rather than using it to maximize their profits, they use it to outbid every team on any player they desire regardless of the player's actual worth. Admirable if your a Yankees fan; disgusting if you're not.

I'm not writing this post to debate whether or not the Yankees are slowly destroying half the teams in the league (they are, but again, that's for another day). I'm writing to do something I never thought I would do: come to the aid of Derek Jeter.

There's no one I would like to
see fail more than Derek Jeter.
Well, maybe Tom Brady.

Jeter is the face of one of my most personally hated franchises. Jeter was just a snot-nosed punk in 1996 when he led the Yankees back from an 0-2 deficit in the World Series to beat my Braves. Jeter and the Yankees would win three of the next four World Series (including another one against the Bravos in '99), stealing the "Team of the '90s" moniker from the Braves in the process. So believe me when I tell you that I would like nothing more than to see the Yankees alienate their fans and the clubhouse so they can spend more money on another high profile starting pitcher (because that has been working for them in the past!).

Jeter has become the most beloved Yankee since Mickey Mantle and has done more to restore the mighty aura of the Yankees than anyone else. To be fair, Jeter wasn't doing this for cheap. He was handsomely rewarded the past ten years, getting paid a staggering $189 million. With his contract expiring at the end of the year, most felt it was going to be a simple matter for the Yankees to resign their captain, especially given all they've been through. But as the off-season began, the front office began rumblings that Jeter would have to be realistic in his demands.

Despite winning a Gold Glove (which was absolutely ridiculous, by the way), Jeter had his worst year of his career in 2010 batting .270 with a pedestrian .340 OBP. There's no question that he's lost a step and that he probably lacks the range to be a top tier shortstop any more.

Reportedly, Jeter is looking for $20 million a year for four to six years. The Yankees, have drawn the line at $15 million a year for three years. I'm not going to argue that Jeter's numbers support $15 million a year let alone $20 million but let's take a step back and look at what we're talking about: This is the Yankees! Since when is money an issue?


This is the same team that signed AJ Burnett for $82.5 million when the next closest bid was $50 million. Even coming off an impressive season in Toronto (one in which he dominated the Yankees and Red Sox) most experts felt that this was a dramatic overbid, especially for someone who, at the time, was going to be their number three or four starter. The Yankees didn't care about the cost, though. They motto has always been, "you can't put a price on a championship."

This is why I refuse to believe this is about money. So what is it then? Production?

Jeter's numbers this year certainly weren't up to his lofty standards, but his .270 batting average was sixth among shortstops with 500 or more ABs, (Jeter, incidentally, had 663 of those, 30 more than the next closest shortstop). In addition to ABs, he led all shortstops in hits and runs and was Top 10 in doubles, RBI, walks, total bases and stolen bases. He's clearly still producing which makes the Yankees' line in the sand even more confusing.

Offer your captain $18 million for four years with a mutual option for a fifth and this thing gets done, Yanks. If he continues to diminish the next two or three years he'll retire as one of the most beloved Yankees and professional athletes of all time. Surely you've spent money on worse things (see: AJ Burnett, Kevin Brown, Carl Pavano, Randy Johnson, Gary Sheffield, Javy Vazquez, Jason Giambi)?

I respect Derek Jeter. Why don't the Yankees?

E-Dunc Misery Watch: Day 3,970

With the Bills playing a game in Cincinnati, I had penciled in Sunday as the perfect time for a running diary of a Bills game so you could feel the endless joy of watching a game with me. Of course, the stupid Bengals fans couldn't sell out their little stadium (the 6-10 Bills averaged more than the capacity of Paul Brown Stadium for home games last year, so don't bitch about your team sucking Bengals fans!).

Now this didn't stop me from watching the game (with a little help from a very generous Bills fan in South Carolina) and writing the diary anyway. The only thing you need to know about the place I watched the game is there's a chat room along the side for those watching. With that, here you go ...

First Quarter
15:00 
We have the unbelievable good fortune of having Gus Johnson calling the game. Regardless of the outcome, I consider my day made.

A quick shot to the sideline shows Chan Gailey (the Bills head coach, for those non-fans out there) without his standard reading glasses. The reason, suggests one of the people in the chat room, is because he "doesn't want to see our D." Ah, the eternal optimism of Bills fans.

14:25
Gus Johnson tells us that the linebacking corp is "much improved" from earlier in the year. Translation: they went from offensively terrible to just bad.

13:03
As if to illustrate this point, Carson Palmer, who at this point has the mobility of a hippo carrying a grand piano, runs for 10 yards without being touched.

12:01
The phrases "big hit" and "Chris Kelsay" are used in the same sentence for the first time in his eight year career. Gus isn't even being sarcastic! Clearly, he's earned that $24 million extension.

8:07; 7-0 Bengals
Bengals score easily on a toss to Ochocinco who finds a Mexican flag inexplicably draped over the back wall and pats it as Gus Johnson yells out "Estaban!" I'm confused.

8:00; 7-0 Bengals

Who could stay mad at those
pythons?

Leodis McKelvin gets back into his old form with a nice 33 yard return.

Never mind, there was a block in the back. I would have a hard time taking this news if it wasn't being delivered by Ed Hochuli. He gets a great deal of grief these days but I can't stay mad at someone who has such carefully sculpted guns.

7:30; 7-0 Bengals
Gus Johnson tells us that Ryan Fitzpatrick is making his eagerly anticipated return to Cincinnati. I find that funny because just about any Bengals fan you talk to thinks Fitzy isn't worth a six-pack of Natty Ice.

7:15; 7-0 Bengals
In an effort to prove their point, Fitzy throws a terrible pick.

Fortunately, Demetrius Bell, an illegitimate son of Karl Malone (I never tire of that fact), got absolutely smoked on the play. Why fortunate? Well, he let a Bengals through who was stupid enough to slap Fitzy in the head after the pass drawing an automatic roughing the passer.

6:28; 7-0 Bengals
Given a second chance, the line immediately gives up a sack. On the replay we see four linemen standing at the line of scrimmage looking back as three Bengals slam Fitzy to the ground. Ladies and gentleman your 2010 Buffalo Bills!

5:12; 7-0 Bengals
As the offense sputters along, Freddie Jackson finally breaks a 12 yard run. Oh, never mind, holding on our right tackle, a free agent rookie who's filling in for our injured starter, a free agent rookie. That's alright though, it's not like you need a good offensive line to succeed in the NFL.

4:02; 7-0 Bengals
Fitzy connects with Stevie Johnson for a nice 36 yard slant and run. Gus shifts into third gear for the first time. No matter how many times you hear him, the first time he gets into the upper gears, it's always a treat.

3:32; 7-0 Bengals
Freddie busts out another solid run and Steve Tasker tells us: "Fred Jackson is like watching someone pour a glass of water." ... Um, what?

2:45; 7-0 Bengals
In what I'm calling the most hysterical example of statistics being misleading, we learn that the Bills are the most efficient red zone offense in the league. Of course, we get there less than anyone in the league, but boy those times that we do ... !

2:04; 7-7 
Freddie trots into the end zone. He was almost tackled by our tight end but otherwise he was completely untouched. I'm beginning to think that there won't be a defensive stop in this whole game.

0:50; 7-7
Gus tosses it to "Jumpin' Jimmy Brown" for our first game break. A startled Brown gets through the update and then tosses it back to "Mr. Excitable." I normally hate that kind of stuff but that was a delightful exchange.

0:27; 7-7
A familiar site as Leodis McKelvin gets smoked down the sideline. Unfortunately, this went to T.O. who has decided to actually try this season; probably just to upset me personally.

Second Quarter
15:00; 7-7
The chat has spent the entire break between quarters talking about how hot the women on the commercials were. Needless to say, Bills fans don't exactly have a vested interest in the season.

14:10; 14-7 Bengals
Carson throws a dime to TO for a TD. This launches a discussion in the chat room about TO. 99% of the room feels that he's extremely talented but no team he plays on can win. One guy feels like he's the greatest football player of all time. He'd be shouted down if not for the fact that he's the one broadcasting the game.

14:05; 14-7 Bengals
Leodis McKelvin with another decent return. I just realized that CJ Spiller isn't playing in this game. That tells you how big an impact the #9 pick is having this season.

13:17; 14-7 Bengals
Fitzy throws another bad pick. This one sticks as Gus shifts into fourth. I have a hard time being too down with Gus going nuts. It's one of the reason I look forward to him calling games involving my teams.

10:59; 21-7 Bengals
Cedric Benson walks into the end zone from the 1 without being touched. Another solid defensive effort by the Bills.

10:17; 21-7 Bengals
Despite only being down two possessions, we've apparently decided to abandon the run. Went five receivers first two downs to start the drive.

10:10; 28-7 Bengals
Pick-six. Yeah, good decision throwing the ball. At this point, Fitzy has three completions and two INTs. Awesome.

Fantasy Side Note: At this exact moment I check my fantasy roster and see Maurice Jones-Drew has 16 yards rushing and threw an INT. What?! Why do the football gods hate me?

(Back to Present Tense for a Second:  I seriously considered stopping the diary here and save it for the Depression Bowl versus the Browns. I decided to move on and I'm glad I did).

10:05; 28-7 Bengals
We follow up that outstanding possession by forming an illegal wedge on the kickoff. Well, at least we're trying, right?

9:30; 28-7 Bengals
Fitzy throws a bomb to Lee Evans for 54 yards. My first reaction? "Sweet, that 5.4 fantasy points!" Bills football, feel the excitement!

4:22; 28-7 Bengals
Normally reliable Rian Lindell continues his terrible year by missing a routine 32 yarder. This could be the saddest sub-plot of the year. Most people had pretty low expectations for the year but nobody foresaw Lindell's completely falling apart. Apart from Moorman, he's been our most reliable and beloved player for the last eight to nine years.

2:38; 28-7 Bengals
Let's check in for the first time with the Bills always cynical beat writer Sal Maiorana:

"Here's the thing - The Bengals blow. They are a dumb team, yet they're up 28-7. Further proof of how far away the Bills are from competence."

Cheerful as always, thanks Sal.

1:17; 28-14 Bengals
Bills score on a receiver screen to little used Donald Jones for the touchdown. Lindell follows this up by booting the kickoff out of bounds in the air. Now I've seen balls bounce out of bounds on a kickoff but I've NEVER seen one land on the sideline in NFL. Just unacceptable.

0:36; 28-14 Bengals
Carson connects with rookie Jordan Shipley for 37 yards. I'll tell you what, that kid is something and if Carson Palmer were still alive he would be hitting him on slants like the day is long (thank you, that joke is an homage to Bill Simmons).

0:15; 28-14 Bengals
Carson throws one of the worst fade routes I've ever seen but gets bailed out on an equally bad pass interference call. That ball was so high that TO didn't even try to catch it ... hm wait, that's not a really a give away with TO. Wait, I can do better. That ball was so far over TO's giant head that it almost reached the top of his ego. Swish!

0:05; 28-14 Bengals
We just stopped them up the middle with nine seconds left and it looks like they're going to go for it again. Dicks!

0:01; 31-14 Bengals
We stop them again but they inexplicably put more time on the clock. They couldn't score from the 1 against the Bills, for that reason alone I think they should have to give up the ball. Instead they kick the gimmie and head to the locker with the sizable lead. Several folks in the chat are calling it a day.

Third Quarter
14:12; 31-14 Bengals
Our only good offensive lineman, Eric Wood, is down with a leg injury, which is what ended his season last year. I can't wait to see what rookie free agent takes his place!

10:43; 31-21 Bengals

It's good to see someone bringing
originality back to the end zone
celebration. The Joker is in the house!

Fitzy connects with his man Stevie for a gorgeous TD pass causing Gus Johnson to shift into fifth gear. After the TD he walks up to camera in the end zone and reveals a hand written message on his shirt that says: "Why so serious?" Gus Johnson breaks out the patented Gus Johnson laugh for that one and as we head to commercial he pronounces, "The Joker is in the house!" We need to make that nickname stick. In fact, I'm calling him that from now on.

9:45; 31-28 Bengals
My feed goes down at the worst possible time and I miss the fumble six. Apparently, Benson fumbled and Drayton Florence returned it to the house. Here's when I start getting nervous text messages from Bengals fans.

5:49; 31-28 Bengals
TO drops a pass that any high school receiver would make. THAT'S the TO we knew in Buffalo!

5:15; 31-28 Bengals
TO makes an unbelievable catch as Gus Johnson goes nuclear. Luckily, it was called back from holding. Nonetheless, I feel like he did that to shove it in Bills fans' faces that when he tries, he's good.

3:00; 31-28 Bengals
George Wilson makes a HUGE pick in the end zone as Carson Palmer looks like he's auditioning for an extra part on Walking Dead (Note to Self: refer to Carson as "Zombie Palmer" for the rest of the diary).

0:35; 31-28 Bengals
Freddie Jackson is lying on the sideline in pain. With Spiller out, we have absolutely no other running back on our team that would even make anyone else's practice squad. I find this ironic because not two months ago, we had three Pro Bowl caliber runners. Now we may have none.

Fourth Quarter
15:00; 31-28 Bengals
Someone I've never heard of gets the first down on 3rd and 1. Thankfully the Bengals D almost sucks as much as ours.

14:19; 31-28 Bengals
Freddie is back in. Bills fans everywhere breath a huge sigh of relief.

14:13; 35-31 Bills
Fitzy finds the Joker on an absolutely perfect pass in the corner of the end zone. Bills take the lead. Wow! Let's go to the Bills beat writer for analysis:

"If the Bengals lose, Marvin Lewis should be fired before he even addresses the media. I called Bills deplorable earlier - Bengals way worse."

Thanks Sal!

14:00; 35-31 Bills
Zombie Palmer throws a bomb to TO. Gus is nearing fifth gear when the pass falls harmlessly out of bounds.

13:11; 35-31 Bills
Zombie Palmer keeps looking at only TO and Shipley while Ochocinco is wide open on the other side of the field. Reminds me a lot of Trent Edwards completely ignoring Lee Evans the last two years.

13:05; 35-31 Bills
I get text messages from two different Bengals fans saying "only the Bengals could blow this." Really? You just sent that to a Bills fan? Do we need to put your bad losses next each other?

Look, the only thing we Bills fans have to hold on to is that we are the most tortured franchise in the NFL. We can respect the Browns and Vikings making claims but no one else is allow to say that to us.

11:36; 42-31 Bills
The Joker is inexplicable open in the back of the end zone for another TD. I've yet to mention that the Bengals have lost their two starting safeties and two corners (not sure where they stand on the depth chart). I really think that's why Fitzy looks like Jim Kelly all of a sudden (sure I could have gone with a better quarterback there to really drive home the point, but it's my blog and I wanted to use a Bill, what's it to you?).

An exciting Steve Tasker proclaims: "The Buffalo Bills are exploding all over the Bengals." Um ... eww.

Let's go back to Sal for some more analysis:

"The Bengals are a tire fire."

Thanks, Sal!

8:45; 42-31 Bills
The chat room has started getting cocky and my Bills Sense starts tingling. For those of you who don't know, the Bills Sense is what alerts seasoned Bills fans to impending doom. Some sure signs include the Bills making an improbable comeback and lesser Bills fans being cocky. This one's a double whammy.

7:01; 42-31 Bills
TO makes another timely drop. I'm so happy.

6:40; 42-31 Bills
TO makes another good catch. He really needs to stop toying with my emotions like that.

5:33; 42-31 Bills
Donte Whitner (who has received a lot of unfair criticism from Bills fans if you ask me) absolutely lights up Shipley and does so legally. All you folks calling this a "flag football" league, look at this hit and you'll see that changing technique doesn't eliminate big hits.

Incidentally, Zombie Palmer missed a wide-open Ochocinco once again.

5:28; 42-31 Bills
The Bengals opt to send their kicker, making his first NFL appearance, out to kick a 45 yard field goal. Granted, this is a field goal that any kicker in the NFL should make but down 11, I really think you have to go for it here.

Predictably, he misses.

2:50; 42-31 Bills
Brian Moorman makes his first appearance of the game. Personally, I pity those in the stadium. They only got to witness his greatness once. Granted, he kicked it into the end zone but it was a glorious kick nonetheless.

2:30; 42-31 Bills
Zombie Palmer is concerned he's going to miss his dinner reservations and throws a game-ending pick to speed things up.

1:52; 49-31 Bills
The Bills score our first Eff-You Touchdown (Trademark: Bill Simmons) in roughly 30 years as Freddie trots into the end zone on a routine off-tackle. The Bengals have clearly packed it in.

And that was it. The hammer never fell. I'm in shock. This is normally the type of game we make close, only to blow in the most dramatic way. It's nice being on this side of it once. But let's go to Sal one last time for some final analysis:

"We all would have enjoyed watching Andrew Luck in a Bills uniform for the next 15 years. Way to screw that up too Bills."

Oh that's right, we're not allowed to be happy ...

First Ever E-Dunc Power Rankings

These days, there seem to be power rankings for everything: the NFL, preseason basketball, Mad Men characters, you name it. But I felt there a severe lack of Power Rankings for life. Therefore, I humbly submit for your approval the first ever E-Dunc Power Rankings:

#25 -- Mongolian BBQ
This is literally the greatest invention to come out of the far east since gunpowder (and slightly less destructive). For those of you who have never been, there's two buffet-style counters where you select your noodles, then throw whatever toppings you want on them and then take it to a large stone grill where they cook it right in front of you. If you don't like your food, you have no one to blame but yourself. For those of you in Cincy, there's one in Mason. Stop reading this now and go. No seriously, go now!

#24 -- Dr. Henry Killinger (from Venture Brothers)
A good friend recently introduced me to the Venture Brothers and my life-arc has been on a steady increase ever since. The show thrives on the random reference (my specialty) and none isn't a better example than basing a villain on the former Secretary of State under Nixon, Henry Kissinger. Add in a pun in his name and we're golden. It's like they wrote the character specifically for me!

#23 -- The Blue Blob (Xavier's mascot)
On Friday, I was at the season opener for my beloved Xavier Musketeers (the best basketball program the last ten years in the midwest -- I got stats to back it up, refute me IU and UK fans, I dare you). Anyway, a Western Michigan fan (I know, I was shocked they existed too) tapped me on the shoulder and asked me "what the hell is that blue thing?" I chuckled to myself and explained the legend of the Blue Blob finishing with, "basically, we have two mascots which seems like a lot until you realize the Reds have like 12."

#22 -- Christopher Walken
So he hasn't done much lately, but much like Florida, it's going to take a lot more than a prolonged period of irrelevance for Mr. Walken to get booted out of the Top 25.

#21 -- Mint Berry Crunch (from South Park)
The best part of the recent South Park trilogy (quickly becoming an annual tradition that I am completed on board with), Mint Berry Crunch could be the most hilarious concept for a superhero that I have ever heard of outside of Green Lantern. I mean, a character who's weakness is yellow? What a great way to mock actual superheroes. What? Green Lantern is a real superhero? Hm.

#20 -- Don Draper
A perennial Top 10 finisher, Don had a rough year, falling apart in the last episode where he got engaged to his secretary without completely destroying her emotionally first. What happened to the Don Draper that left bodies in his wake every time he opened his mouth? That's the Don Draper that made it to the big time and that's the Don Draper we want to see again.

#19 -- Dan Gilbert (owner of the Cleveland Cavs)
I'm still riding high on him after he released this letter the night LeBron James took his ego to South Beach. A lot of commentators said that it was petty and players would be wary of him in the future, but it wasn't for them. It was for the fans and every Cavs fan I talked to absolutely loved it. Oh, and act like if you were the owner of the Cavs you wouldn't have felt exactly what he said in the letter. He just had the balls to say it publicly. Much respect to him.

#18 -- Gus Johnson
Without a doubt the greatest announcer to ever live period. One recent GJ moment I'd like to share with you to perfectly encapsulate the man, the myth, the legend. Gus called the Bills-KC game which instantly made it the best Sunday of the year thus far for me. On one play in the fourth quarter, we threw a screen pass to CJ Spiller for a gain of 4. Pretty mundane in the eyes of most people ... except Gus Johnson! GJ raised his voice an octave and started screaming as Spiller crossed the line of scrimmage. Most announcers would have backed off when they realized that the play wasn't going anywhere. Not GJ. He sold it with a, "And Spiller SHIMMIES his way for a gain of FOUR!" (Side note: want to make a basketball game more exciting? Mute the TV and use the Gus Johnson soundboard to announce the game).

#17 -- ESPNU College Town
I'm a big fan of the Sim City franchise and this Facebook game is pretty close. It's pretty fun and you all should play! (Ok, so I need to have "friends" to get some more space for my university, District 5 -- yes that is a Mighty Ducks reference, thanks for noticing -- and this is a subtle way to try to recruit some "friends" without sending out those annoying Facebook invitations).

#16 -- Aaron Sorkin
Probably my favorite writer in recent memory, his script for Social Network was outstanding. Combine that with a great appearance on Entourage and you have yourself an appearance in the Top 25.








#15 -- Stanley (from The Office)
After a rough season last year, The Office seems to be back on track this year, highlighted by this cold opening, one of the best in recent memory, utilizing a terrific secondary character.

#14 -- Jon Stewart
Always a big fan of America's favorite fake newsman, Stewart took a big step up in the rankings with his Rally to Restore Sanity. While it may not have been the life-changing affair that some may have erroneously expected it to be, Stewart did a good job of getting his point across: instead of trying find the difference between people, we should try to find the common ground. It's the only way we can get things done.

#13 -- Guy Germaine (from The Mighty Ducks)
Statistically, Germaine was the second best player on the Ducks (behind the showboating, cake-eating Banksy). Yet poor Guy is one of the most unheralded players on the team. Averman gets more credit; Averman! He blows! Yet time after time, Averman is taking the face-off while Guy watches from the bench. I'll also point out, that Guy is the only one to get a girl in all three movies. Take that Charlie!

#12 -- Johnny Depp
I'm a big fan of Mr. Depp's and his latest movie (The Tourist) looks pretty solid and he looks tremendous in the trailer. Depp is best known for playing very bizarre characters but he's shown that he can play it straight in movies like Public Enemies and Chocolat (not that I've seen that chick-flick, because I haven't, I mean, I only watch awesome guy movies with explosions and gratuitous nudity and -- alright, I have seen it. Excuse me while I go watch The Rock 12 times in a row).

#11 -- Stephen Colbert
I watch the Colbert Report on a daily basis so Colbert was always safe for the Top 25 but he vaults up to 11 thanks to this performance of All I Have to Do is Dream with Elvis Costello.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Exclusive - Elvis Costello - All I Have to Do Is Dream
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive

#10 -- Sean Connery
I recently watched The Rock. That should be enough to justify this ranking.

#9 -- Randy Marsh (from South Park)
Often under appreciated, Randy Marsh is the glue that keeps South Park together. His most recent contribution was during the Inception-mock where he went into the dream to save Stan and wound up being a butterfly looking to score some "butterfly poon." Classic Randy Marsh.

#8 -- Staff Sgt. Eric Johnson
Staff Sgt. Johnson set the world record for fastest mile while in a bomb suit. He ran a mile in the 80 pound suit in 8 minutes, 42 seconds. Let that sink in for a minute.

Personally, I'm pumped when I get in an 8 minute, 30 second mile and I run naked (just kidding, I'm not allowed to run naked any more).


#7 -- Yoshima Battles the Pink Robots, Part I
I recently bought Rock Band III and have enjoyed the hell out of playing some classic ditties like Radar Love, Warewolves of London, Bohemian Rhapsody and this catchy little number by the Flaming Lips:

#6 -- Bill Simmons
I've been a fan of the Sports Guy for quite some time but what gets him in the Top 10 is putting the Bills in not-last-place in his most recent power rankings. A remarkable feat for a fan of a bitter divisional foe especially when the Bills are the only winless team in the NFL. Simmons correctly identified that the Bills are playing better than a lot of teams and for that reason, he receives the tremendous honor of being in the very first Top 10. Congratulations Bill Simmons!

#5 -- San Francisco Giants
You may be thinking that they earned this ranking for winning the World Series. Well, yes and no. Mostly no. What earned them the 5 spot was that they took time from celebrating their advancing to the NLCS after defeating the Braves to honor Bobby Cox. Arguably the classiest thing done on a baseball field since the Yankees let the Marlins win the World Series in 2003.

#4 -- Cameron (from Modern Family)
On one of the funniest shows on television, Cam is by far the best character. Everyone loves big, gay characters and they don't come any bigger or gayer than Cameron. Interesting side note, the actor who plays Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) is not gay but the actor who plays Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) is. I would have never guessed that and it shows how good an actor both guys are.

#3 -- Troy & Abed (from Community)
The best duo on television, Troy and Abed have the best on screen chemistry I have seen since Turk and JD in their prime. Another interesting side note, Troy (Donald Glover) got his start as a writer on the Daily Show. See, this blog is entertaining and educational!

#2 -- Brian Moorman
The best player on the worst team (record-wise) is the punter. Go figure. I've already briefed you on his greatness so let me throw some other informational tidbits your way. He was an All American in hurdles at Pittsburgh St. He was the punter on the All Decade team for the NFL. He has eight career tackles and two career TD passes with a career passer rating of 117.9. On the most recent radio broadcast, he had the most player endorsements during commercials (three). Basically, he's way awesome.

#1 -- Bobby Cox
The only manager I have ever known, Bobby Cox is the definition of class and baseball knowledge. I don't know what I'll do without old Number 6 leaning against the railing of the dugout steps. The Braves appear to be in good shape heading into next year, but it just won't be the same without Bobby.

E-Dunc Misery Watch: Day 3,950

Half way through the season, and I thought I'd give a shot at breaking down the worst season in Bills history. But first, my thoughts on the Shawne Merriman signing.

Is it worth $1.73 million to
make sure Tila Techila doesn't
set foot in Buffalo? I say yes!

Outside of ensuring that Tila Techila will be staying out of Buffalo for at least four months (a HUGE plus), this is a fairly confusing signing. This is Merriman's final year on his contract so essentially, all we are doing is renting him for the rest of the year, something that's normally reserved for teams looking for a playoff push. My guess is this is a move by a general manager to prove to a very disgruntled fan base that the franchise is in fact trying to win games (despite evidence to the contrary). At the end of the day, the Bills were going to win a game either way so this doesn't really accomplish anything unless we somehow manage to sign him to a long-term deal (which I put somewhere between impossible and Sarah Palin becoming president).

Anyway, let's get to the breakdown of the season using the best Western of all time.

The Good


Ryan Fitzpatrick
Now let me be clear. Ryan Fitzpatrick is not good enough to lead a team to a playoff victory. He's just not. He can win you between six and nine games a year but he seems to have a problem coming through with the game on the line (see: the KC game last weekend).

Having said that, I'm excited that it doesn't look like we're going to have to start our rookie QB next year. Fitzpatrick can play Kitna to our rookie's Carson Palmer (side-note, Fitzy has a similar skill set to Andrew Luck so I think he would make a good caddie for him).

2011 NFL Draft
This upcoming draft class seems to be deep at the positions we need (most notably quarterback) so if ever it was a good year to have the #1 overall pick, it's looking like 2011 is that year.

The greatest Bills player of the last 15
years? Our punter! Bills Football: Feel
the Excitement!

Brian Moorman
Moorman continues to be the lone bright spot in the utter darkness of Bills fandom. There are two reasons Bills fans get excited when the punt team is on the field: we don't have to watch our offense any more, and we get to see Brian Moorman's golden right boot kick the ball 90 yards.

The Bad


The Offense
After simply an abismal start, the offense has actually looked pretty decent the last two games. The reason it stays in the "Bad" section is because we simply don't have the horses to run the offense that Gailey wants to run. Spiller is coming along, but just isn't an asset yet (not to say he won't be). Jackson continues to play well but behind this offensive line, Barry Sanders would only look like a Pro Bowl running back instead of an Alltime Great.

The Secondary
The best unit on our defense (note that it's still in the "Bad" section, that should tell you something), the failed-wide-receiver corp still has a problem with catching the ball. Normally not something you worry about from the secondary, but with a defense this bad, you need turnovers to get them off the field as quickly as possible. The problem is, we have so many other dire problems that I don't see this being fixed any time soon.

Guards
Eric Wood and Adam Levitre are both passable NFL guards, which is the best compliment you can pay anyone on the worst offensive line in the NFL. Special kudos to Woods who is in his second year and continues to improve.

The Ugly


Offensive Tackles
There really isn't much to say. They're terrible. Awful. The worst I've ever seen and we've had a ton of bad tackles in Buffalo in the past. Maybe in the future we should steer clear of illegitimate children of NBA Hall of Famers who couldn't win titles in their sport either.

Run Defense
I could be the slowest, least athletic person who has ever attempted to play football. Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but I'm certainly in the bottom five. Anyway, I am confident that I could rush for 20 yards behind an average offensive line against the Bills.

By the way, it took me a while to figure how to adequately describe how terrible this defense is. I went with the ridiculous statement over an unbelievably complicated metaphor based loosely on the plot of Inception.

"What do you think, AJ Green? I
mean, he's an exciting playmaker!
We can't have too many of them,
right?"

Front Office
The team the Brain Trust threw out onto the field at the beginning of the year is nothing short of pathetic. The in-season moves have been just as bad, letting Trent Edwards go for absolutely nothing and allegedly jumping on the first serious offer for Marshawn Lynch without shopping him around. While I'm pumped for all these early draft picks, I'm terrified at what these bozos are going to do with them.