The E-Duncs: Part I

Worst Timing of 2010 Movie Awards


The E-Duncs


You know when's a good time to release your awards for the 2010 movie season? January. You know what is the absolute worst, most inexcusable time to release movie awards? March. I offer no excuses other than my own laziness. But I vow to make up for it with increased sarcasm and harsher criticisms. Let's get it on!

The Starship Troopers Award 
(Most Awesomely Bad Movie)

I find that I sometimes enjoy bad movies as much as I enjoy good ones. I call it my “absolute value theory.” Ask me about it sometime.

Predators

Predators strived to take the bad movie to new levels and nearly succeeded. With appearances by Topher Grace, Morpheus and Academy Award winner Adrien Brody, we had ourselves quite the enjoyable hour and a half. The problem is, I’m not sure I enjoyed it for the reasons the filmmakers wanted me to enjoy it …

The Al Neri Award
(Most Unheralded Hero)

For those of you who don’t know, Al Neri is perhaps the most important character in the Godfather who nobody has heard of. Al is the guy dressed as the cop who guns down Bazini at the end of Part I and becomes Michael’s right-hand man for the other two.

Little Blackie – True Grit 

I have to say, the character that I felt was the true hero of the movie was Little Blacky (it’s a horse you racists). I mean, this poor horse trekked all over the wilderness, crossed a neck-deep river, and gave its life to save what’s-her-face. What did Rooster do? Suck out some poison? He didn’t even save her hand.  LB was the one with true grit not Rooster.

The real hero of True Grit? Is there any doubt?

“Loser’s always whine about their best …” Award
(Best Quote)

“Great White Buffalo” – Hot Tub Time Machine

I really liked this movie and I feel like it has largely been forgotten already (more on this later). What I really like about this quote, is its utility when you want to be mysterious. “What are we doing for the bachelor party?” “Great White Buffalo.” “What, is that, like, a bar or something?” “Great White Buffalo.” “Thanks that was really helpful.” See!

The Terminator 2 Award
(Biggest Plot Hole in an Otherwise Decent Movie)

Unstoppable 

So I don’t mean to ruin this story based on an actual event, but they stop the unstoppable train (I know, false advertising). You know how they stop it? They hooked up a train, and then ran to the front of the runaway train. You know how long they took to figure that out? An hour and fifteen minutes movie time. How was that not the first thing they tried? I mean, they tried to shoot the air-breaks with riffles before they tried the most logical solution? Really?

The Kevin Costner Award
(Actor’s Who’s Stock Dropped the Most) 

Your 2003 Academy Award Winner!

Adrien Brody – Splice & Predators

Now this is going to sound absurd, but I promise you it’s 100% true. You ready? Adrien Brody won an Oscar. No, seriously! Yeah, the really bad singer from the Stella Artois commercial. He won an Oscar! Now he’s making classic films like Splice and Predators. Watch out Nic Cage, there’s someone gunning for your “No Seriously, He Won an Oscar” Title! 

The Leonardo DiCaprio Award
(Actor’s Who’s Stock Rose the Most)

Mila Kunis – Book of Eli & Black Swan

Remember That 70’s Show? I do because when unemployed it was without a doubt the best show on television before 5 p.m. Anyway, who would have bet that in 2010, Jackie would have been the most accomplished actor from that show? If you say you would, you, sir, are a liar!

It's Not Good ...
Not At All

The Core Award 

(Worst Movie of the Year) 

Splice

I don’t know where to even begin with this movie. As a master of science, the absurdity of the concept alone drove me nuts, especially the spontaneous gender switching (no, you read that correctly; animals randomly went from chicks to dudes). It wasn’t even bad enough to be properly enjoyed. It was just BAD!

Runners-up:
Predators 

Robin Hood 

The Pearl Harbor Award
(Most Disappointing Movie of the Year)

Alice in Wonderland

I have no idea why I had high hopes for this but I did. I mean, watching the trailer again it was obviously going to be bad and it was. I guess I just thought that with Johnny Depp in it it couldn’t have been too bad. How wrong I was. And we finally have an answer when somebody says, “Name one movie where Johnny Depp was not awesome!”

The China Syndrome Award
(Movie Most in Need of Christopher Walken)

Robin Hood (Sir Walter Loxley)

I thoroughly disliked this movie. It was essentially a collection of movies that have already been made (and made better) loosely set to the story of Robin Hood. And by loosely I mean clown-pants loosely (sorry, it was the best I could come up with on short notice). You know the one thing everyone remember about Robin Hood? That he robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. You know what’s the one thing Robin Hood never does in this movie? Robs from the rich and gives to the poor. It seems that Ridley thought he could have made Braveheart better, and set about doing it. What could have rescued this movie? Why, Christopher Walken of course. There’s an elder blind man who says bizarre things and guides Robin down the path towards … something. Christopher would have knocked the role out of the park and I would have had at least 20 minutes of the movie I could enjoy.